R.R.B.

Does it matter to you whatever I say now? I am banned out of your life for good already huh. I am so ashamed of what I did. I guess I'm the worst ex-girlfriend ever in history huh. Seriously, I thought after doing that it will make myself feel so much better like at least I got you back " I made you pay for what you did to me" Instead, I feel the complete opposite of happy & satisfied. How ironic huh. I am utterly ashamed of & disgusted by myself. I never knew I could be this childish. But you weren't even listening to me at all.
You never knew what I was thinking throughout that horrible period. You should know now. I was very angry with you for ditching me behind, for making those empty promises, for saying "I'll always be here, always". I just couldn't accept it when it was over. Because you said things like "forever" or "don't ever leave me". I always tell myself I'd never leave you, not that we'll never break up but just not leave you hurting by yourself, like what you're doing to me now. & of course never cheat on you. I swear. Never. No matter what situation tempts me to. Never. I'd just never do it. It's a freaking cruel thing to cheat on your love ones. But. You left me, abruptly. It was so abrupt that I couldn't fit everything together. I couldn't understand. I couldn't accept it. I begged you for another chance but you were so heartless & harsh. So so harsh. It felt like you changed overnight. After a while it felt like you changed so much. I couldn't talk to you or get through to you because you'd either reject my calls or push me away. I didn't want that. I wanted you back so so badly. I was hurting so much inside. I cried myself to sleep every night thinking you must be happily celebrating with your friends. I begged you still. Cause I had so much hope for us still. So I kept telling myself not to give up cause somehow inside the You I knew was never like that, was never this stubborn or heartless. & the You loved me too much to ever allow me to go through such an ordeal. It was a flat no still. I couldn't eat or sleep. It was torturous. Really. It was such a depressing period. I tried so hard to make you come back to me. I reminded you of our pleasant memories thinking you'd be touched & change your mind. I couldn't stop thinking about us. Not even when I was asleep. I dreamt of us. Lovey dovey dreams. But it was so terrible because in my dreams you were mine again. But when I wake up each morning, I start crying because you're not mine & maybe you'll never ever be mine again.
Finally, the truth came. You found someone & it hurt me so badly. I couldn't believe it, it was too fast for you to actually move on. Unless there were things going on already even before we broke up which means that you were cheating on me. I was so disgusted with you. I was so mad at you too. But thank God I got a wake up call. I woke up & straighten my thoughts out. I told myself that I was gonna make your life so so miserable for making empty promises, for cheating on me. It sure disgusted me. But mainly I was jealous. Super jealous that my place on the plate of yours was gonna be replaced. I wasn't gonna be special anymore. No more GFB, BB, SL. I was just gonna be a friend. Yan. I didn't want to be your friend. I wanted to be special on that plate of yours. I wanted to make you happy in ways nobody can ever do it. I guess it was such a selfish thought huh. But that's how love is. It's damn selfish. Then I started thinking of stupid & childish things. It was such a stupid mistake. I totally regret it now. & I'm so late.
Sorry is a word I have manipulated too many times throughout the whole 11 months. That five letter word doesn't hold any value to you anymore. But I'm just truly sorry baby. I was just too carried away & couldn't think straight. Now, we're not even talking. How great is that. Someone I shared my cupcorn with whom also I pour my heart out to has disappeared from my life. I don't deserve that. Do I? But that sucks anyway. So so bloody much. Now my place is is being replaced already & also every single place like the right side of your bed, that seat on your dining table, the person that gets to snuggle up to you when she's sick or tired without having to ask for permission, the priority she gets, that space on your plate, & lastly, the love she gets. I am so freaking jealous. Because I love you so much. More than you ever loved me. & there's no way am I gonna get over you. Because I you're a part of me & if a part of me dies & disappear. I will die too.

I'll just love you from afar.
Love is selfish. It's never fair.

I'll still love Rachael, Renee & Benji ( I named the orange one Benji (: He's a boy & he's cute)

I'm not apologising to you, I don't see the need to. & I blame you for the reason we are like that now. You better not break her heart or change her. She's meant to be like that. Love her for this. Love her for who she is.

Love it or Hate it

I never thought getting over a breakup would be this easy. Thank God I finally pulled through this very very bad phase of life. Thanks Lex & Ryn alot. Without the wake up call I think I'd still be crying over spilled milk. Okay, I'm gonna put it behind me now.
Watched Bride Wars last night. It was good (: It was such a horrible day to go out though. Because there were couples everywhere. People selling flowers too. Oh well. Nevermind.
Slut.

Change

I need a change, I need to move on no matter however hard it is to let go. Indeed it is unfair that I have to be the one pleading for second chances, or crying my eyeballs out at night, but I guess this is life. This is not gonna be easy, I need to stop reminiscing over the past. Cause it is the past. I need to stop carrying hope. I need to be strong. I need to be strong. Be strong, be strong Yan.

Testingggg

Test test. New blog. New life.